Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dream Job

I'm starting to think that there may be a fault in my logic about this whole unemployed thing. If there is one thing I learned in grad school, it's that my strength lies in unconventional solutions. Well, that and that there's no postmodern Romantic paradigm anymore. That's another story entirely, however. My point is, I've been seeing my skill set as fitting only three jobs: receptionist, photographer teacher, and, of course, photographer. In this troubled economy, the market for these jobs is CUTTHROAT. Literally. Watch out. So I'm trying to see myself from other angles, to develop an idea of what other, unconventional, career paths I should be looking into. Heres the short list:

1. Professional Killer/Assassin. This may seem like an obvious choice. I am, after all, a kung fu master. Add to that my wily feminine wiles, and I'm basically Elektra. All I need is a weapon of choice and a sexy, skin tight costume. Of course, actually killing people may be challenging - I do have a small, wizened heart in there somewhere - but I have grown more callous about it since I dispatched Bob this spring. Besides, I could be like a John Woo-esque kind of killer and really only take out bad guys. That's a public service, really.

2. Muse. I've actually been doing this one for a number of years as a volunteer/hobby kind of thing. So why shouldn't I get paid for it? What I do: Look winsomely into the distance, all backlit by the sun; have spirited and whimsical conversations about intellectual topics that stimulate ideas; throw passionate little fits which help your work to gain some of that angsty depth that is so hip right now. What I don't do: windows, or fall into bad lighting. A number of photographers and painters have already utilized my services. References provided upon request.

3. Witch. The post of a really serious, black hat wearing, cackling witch is hard to come by - there isn't as much call for them. Not like the old days, when curses and love potions were both held in much higher esteem. But trust me, I can do this. I have a stare that can make the blood run cold, enough cats to familiarize a whole coven, and a penchant for speaking in rhyme. Plus, I have a tremendous store of esoteric and occult knowledge. For instance, this is a real recipe for an invisibility spell: Boil a black cat so that the flesh falls from the bone. After the bones have cooled, place them, one at a time, in the mouth while looking in a mirror. When you have put the right one in your mouth, you will turn invisible. (Please note, this wisdom was collected centuries ago and is repeated in many sources. I never condone the harming of any animals. Except maybe for really nasty roosters. But never a cat. Catliness is next to Godliness, in my book.) Plus, my great great great great great grand something or other was burned as a witch in the Salem Witch Hunts. So I have serious street cred. Need a cave haunted? I'm your gal. Curses cursed? Potions brewed? Fortunes told? Cunningly pointed hats tried on? I'm also a blast at parties.

If you are interested in having someone fill one of these positions for you, please contact me for an interview. Resume furnished upon request. Serious inquiries only, please.

8 comments:

Strider said...

Lynelle has filled the position of my Muse and will no longer be accepting applications. You can however still snatch her up as a Witch and/or Assassin. Or of course, Witch Assassin.

To Mock a Killifish said...

I do need a witch, but I'm looking more for one like Witchie-poo from H.R. Pufnstuf...

Andrew K said...

Theres a witch job going in the UK.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8138665.stm

Kate8085 said...

I do need an Assassin.
But I probably shouldn't contact
you here about it.
This comment will self destruct in
twenty seconds.
:)

PoleStar Jewelry said...

Ah someone posted the witch job and I am glad they did. I think that sounds like it would fit nicely into your list. It would be nice if you could combine the three somehow...

Lemon Jitters said...

Yes, PoleStar, the world needs a combo...Ok, curse your camera so when you take a photo, evil spells ride the sound waves sent out by the 'click.' And then your subject shall drop dead. It is unique, sly, and much needed, yes?

Lynelle said...

I could sharpen the edges of my tarot cards to make them into ninja throwing stars! Yes, this is BRILLIANT!

mrsb said...

Though I have the witch thing covered, I may have need for an assassin at some point in the future.

I like my muses with a little more... well... boy parts.